How Financial Therapy Can Help Couples
There are several key issues that couples seem to fight over, and one of those is money. Think about your own relationship - how many conflicts with your partner have included financial issues or decisions in some form or other? Surprisingly, despite money being one of the top problems in relationships, couples are often reticent to discuss financial topics in therapy. I would guess that most clients I have seen in my career would tell me about their sex life in great detail before sharing the same level of information about their finances. Many of us have been taught that it is rude, boastful, or shameful (depending upon your circumstances) to openly discuss what our assets, debts, and accounts look like. However, money does not have to be a source of shame, and a counselor can be a great resource in helping you understand your financial attitudes and reframing the role that money plays in your life.
Therapists with training in financial therapy have a full toolbox to use with clients seeking help with money - exercises to help you understand how past experiences have shaped your current relationship with money, and exercises to help you move forward in a healthier manner with your partner. We can guide you through creating new patterns of behavior around money and establishing a safer, more secure relationship with your partner around financial matters. The following common marital money issues are ones that therapists in the financial therapy world can help you with; if you notice that some of these resonate with you, consider reaching out for counseling today. I implement financial therapy to help couples with these kinds of problems, either in standard weekly therapy or over a weekend in an intensive format, both for clients who reside in Colorado and those who are traveling here.
Spending versus saving issues.
At the heart of many money conflicts is the classic battle between spending and saving. Many times a spender and a saver pair up together, perhaps enchanted by the qualities their partner possesses at the start of their relationship - the saver might be drawn to the spender’s spontaneity, and the spender might be drawn to the saver’s steadiness. However, as time goes on, these differences can chafe on a couple, and it is important to be on the same page when it comes to managing money. A therapist can walk you through what lies behind your financial behaviors, help you find common goals, and usher you through plans that balance both the spender and the saver’s needs; finding out what really lies at the heart of why you feel strongly about spending and saving is a key issue you may not understand unless you seek the help of a financial therapist. At the end of the day, money is a tool, one that can accommodate both responsible spending and saving, and it is possible to find harmony with your finances.
Deciding whether to have children.
One of the biggest, most important decisions in a couple’s life may be whether to have children (and if so, how many). Nowadays, the financial component of raising a child is a huge factor to young couples contemplating the choice. In addition to helping you come together on this issue with conflicts unrelated to money, a therapist can help you with choosing to have a baby based your financial situation. We can help you understand how you view and value money and how to align your financial decisions with your values and goals. You can walk through what sacrifices you are and are not willing to make in raising a child, and we can discuss what money values you may want to pass on to your children. You may have heard others say, “you are never fully prepared for a baby, financially or otherwise,” but you can have some sort of plan to reduce financial stress if you are wanting to have a baby.
Making big career changes.
If one or both partners ever consider a major career shift or want to go back to school, it can have financial repercussions for the family. Getting some counseling around these transitions can be really helpful and keep your relationship in a healthy space while navigating decisions that can feel critical to one’s sense of self but stressful for the couple or family unit. Whether you are considering opening up your own business, leaving a high-paying job for one with a lower income, or taking a high-powered job that will shift the rhythm of your family’s life, please find a therapist skilled in helping couples dig down to the core needs and vulnerabilities that big shifts like these touch upon. Once you two understand the feelings and thoughts behind the possibility of these potential changes, then you are in a good position to actually make decisions.
Negotiating money issues with extended family.
Nothing can start up a fight between a couple like what boundaries are in place (or not) with each partner’s family. Do you argue about whether to give or loan money to family members? Have you been asked, or does one of you want to, support relatives in need? Negotiating how you deal with money and people outside of your relationship requires strong boundaries, and if you struggle with instituting and upholding boundaries, financial therapy is a great place to learn. You can decide what you are comfortable with as a couple when it comes to money, and then you can learn how to stay strong in those decisions when/if your family pushes back against them. A good couples therapist will take cultural differences between your families into account and help you to negotiate these with empathy and kindness for your backgrounds alongside protection for your marriage’s needs. When it comes to families and money in particular, financial therapy can help you to make decisions not based on what you feel obligated to or based on what you think is your only option, but to make decisions based on thoughtfulness and intention.
Creating a prenup or not.
Whether to sign a prenuptial agreement or not may be one of the first huge financial decisions a couple faces - and has the potential to be contentious, though it does not have to be! The great thing about discussing whether to sign a prenup or not is that the topic leads to helpful, honest conversations about the state of each of your finances and what attitudes you each hold about money. Whether or not the prenup is the right step for your relationship, introducing the topic can lead to conversations that will leave you and your partner feeling more connected and with a plan for your financial future together. If you do decide to move forward with a prenup, you will have a head start in living in accordance with your financial values, and you will have fewer decisions to make in the future in the event that it is needed.
Agreeing on how much heirs will inherit.
If you already have considerable assets, or plan to when you are older, you and your spouse will need to plan for what you want to do with your estate. Many partners are in disagreement around how much and what they want to leave to their children and grandchildren, which may be preceded by conflict around what kind of lifestyle they want during their retirement years. Finding a counselor trained in financial therapy can be useful in determining what plan of action best honors the life you and your partner have built together. Conversations about money illuminate so many of our closely-held values, so the earlier you talk about how you want to handle finances through all stages of life, the better able you are to live out the life of your dreams.