Can a Marriage Survive Infidelity?
If you have experienced a partner cheating on you, you have probably wondered if relationships can survive such devastating betrayals.
I am here to tell you that the answer is yes - many relationships can and do survive affairs. Not all, but many. It is certainly not easy, and it takes a hell of a lot of effort, energy, and time to recover, but infidelity is not always a marital death sentence. For some couples (as horrific as it is to come to this conclusion) infidelity can even be the catalyst that leads to long-term growth and a stronger commitment between them.
(A quick note about marriages surviving infidelity: many people tell themselves that if their partner ever cheats on them, their response will be an immediate “I’m out of here,” an automatic split, no matter the circumstances. This may be based on past infidelity experiences, personal values and morals, or beliefs about relationships. While some people who say they would immediately leave if cheated on do follow that principle, I have found that many others do not leave. Instead, you come to the realization that the horror, pain, and distress that comes from your partner’s actions do not replace but are now confusingly combined with the love, affection, and happy memories you share together. This leaves you feeling like you are in the scariest emotional roller coaster of your life, constantly moving through love, hate, confusion, sadness, desperation, rage, and more. This means that most people who have been cheated on do consider whether the relationship can survive infidelity, despite their prior inclinations.)
While I cannot say with certainty which relationships will thrive and which will dissolve in the aftermath of infidelity, I can share factors that can lead to the survival of a marriage when there has been cheating. If you are currently in the position of questioning whether you and your partner will make it through a betrayal, keep reading to get a sense of what signs point to successfully moving forward together. (Keep in mind that this list is not comprehensive, and there is no guarantee that even if these elements are present in your situation that your marriage will survive.) If you are ready to take the next step in getting help for this issue, reach out to me today to discuss marriage counseling for infidelity.
A full admission of guilt.
If the partner who was unfaithful comes completely clean about their actions, this is one sign that you may be able to recover from infidelity. I have seen some couples in which the unfaithful partner admits to cheating before the other partner fully discovers it (I use the word “fully” because many betrayed partners do have a sense that something is going on prior to discovery): this is seen as a first step toward honesty and transparency and can demonstrate a commitment to preserving and strengthening this primary relationship. A relationship can still survive if the betrayed partner finds out after the fact, but there is a higher chance of making it if the unfaithful partner comes clean at the beginning. It becomes harder and takes more time to heal if the unfaithful partner holds back details out of fear of angering their partner, possibly even to the point of a breakup right then and there. It can be hard to believe, but a betrayed partner can typically handle all of the sordid details better than realizing they have been lied to throughout the disclosure process.
The presence of remorse.
A show of remorse is essential to successfully navigating infidelity. There is no way forward unless the unfaithful partner can own up to the pain they have caused and demonstrate that they can see and understand the impact that their cheating has had on their partner and family. Many people who have cheated have mixed feelings about their experiences, including still having positive memories or emotions associated with their affair (one common example: appreciating how alive they felt), and it is okay to have some of those thoughts and feelings, though that may not be appropriate to share with your partner. However, having remorse for how you have impacted your partner is nonnegotiable to survive infidelity. A relationship cannot last without understanding and empathizing with your partner.
Seeking professional help.
It is not impossible for your marriage to make it through an episode of cheating without therapy, but it will probably be harder to achieve it on your own. Having an experienced professional in this area can drastically improve your chances of marital success. Marriage counselors are trained to know the right questions to ask, and we understand the steps of the process specific to infidelity recovery. Other trained professionals can be helpful as well, such as individual therapists for both partners to give you each a safe space to fully process your feelings. Some people seek help from clergy; if you do this, I suggest you ask them about their training in this area. I have unfortunately heard stories from clients who went this route prior to seeing me who received counsel to just “find a way to forgive and move on,” which is really unhelpful to the couple navigating the discovery of an affair.
Willingness to get to the root of the issue.
This is one of the most important items in this list. The unfaithful partner has to be willing to dig deep and discover the root of the cheating behaviors in order for the relationship to be able to move forward. Otherwise, the root of these behaviors is likely to pop up again - it may not be in the form of infidelity, but you will probably find yourself facing other struggles. We have to go beyond just analyzing the behaviors present in your situation and move to understanding more about you - your motivations, your self-talk, your needs and vulnerabilities, and how you are really feeling. Infidelity is rarely the result of just wanting to have some fun, forbidden sex - it typically goes much deeper than that.
Ability to learn communication skills.
The willingness to learn new ways to communicate is very important to the infidelity recovery process. Many couples struggle with communication prior to cheating, and it becomes imperative to fix ineffective strategies. How you talk to each other can either build up trust, care, and curiosity, or it can breed contempt, defensiveness, and shutdowns. Therapy can teach you how to own your thoughts and feelings while talking to your partner and how to approach them in a way that shows you care about them and - maybe most importantly - are really hearing them and working to understand them.
Atmosphere of transparency.
If you have cheated on your partner, you will need to enter into a new season of your relationship in which you are very transparent with them about what has happened with your affair as well as what is going on in your everyday life. This is because your partner is going through a traumatic experience, and their brain is struggling to put together a cohesive narrative of your entire relationship. Your ability to be honest and recognize how you have betrayed them goes a long way toward rebuilding trust. Now, I cannot say in a blog when exactly a couple can move on from the need for this level of transparency; this process is different for every couple, and your future healthy relationship will not require constant monitoring behaviors and repetitive questions. However, while going through the rebuilding process, this is necessary to successfully repair your marriage.
Ability to tolerate emotions.
Another skill that can help predict successful repair after infidelity is the ability to tolerate difficult emotions. Feelings like anger, sadness, fear, and disappointment are likely to be expressed as you share with each other throughout this entire process, and it can be hard to tolerate your partner letting these out; you may also have a hard time tolerating these emotions popping up within yourself. Most of us were not taught how to validate feelings we may not understand or like in someone close to us, but it is a critical skill to learn if you want to remain together after an affair. This helps you both navigate the therapy process around infidelity, and it helps set you up for relational success for all your years to come!
Engaging with conflict instead of avoiding it.
Many, many instances of infidelity stem from some kind of avoidance within your partnership - avoiding your partner’s needs and feelings, ignoring your own needs and feelings, conflict avoidance, etc. that leads to turning to someone other than your partner to get your needs met. To really feel like a team again, you will need to learn to effectively turn towards conflict and towards your partner. Unfortunately, many of us were taught that conflict is a bad thing, but it is really an essential part of relationships with all people in our lives; as relationship experts John and Julie Gottman say, conflict has “a purpose, and that purpose is mutual understanding” - and if we can learn to “fight right,” we will have satisfying long-term relationships.
